Bush Regrets Letting Scooter Go

Mikaela says:
Today Bush gave an unscheduled "press conference" to announce his acceptance of Scooter Libby's resignation.

Here's my very loose and wildly inaccurate but meant-to-be-funny transcription (If you're a stickler for truth or a buff for history, see the real thing here) of Bush, speaking from the White House south lawn:

Scooter’s worked tirelessly to deceive the American People and now we’ve asked him to sacrifice much to the service of this country’s fascist leaders. Wait, that's me! No, that's okay, I am. I take that as a compliment about my strength and tenacity.

He served the Vice President and me through extralegal times in this Nation’s history.

Special Council Fitzgerald’s investigation and ongoing legal proceedings are serious, kinda. Okay super-serious. And we’re scared shitless now the process moves into a new phase.

In our system, each individual is presumed innocent and entitled to due process in a fair trial.

• Well, unless you’re in GitMo. Hehehe.
• Or an enemy of the President. Hehehe.
  
• And until I can get the last of my minions seated on the Court, at which time we’ll do away with the time waste that is “due process” and just send people straight to detention centers as enemy combatants.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. I’m here to talk about Scooter Libby – one of my loyalists, and no one would ever dare to imply that he’s not one of my loyalists and therefore a friend of the State.

• Well, except those pinko commie liberals who value things like “freedom” and “civil rights” in this country,
  
• but you know and I know they’re a dying breed. Or will be soon. Hehehe.

While we are all saddened by today’s news,

• (and if you’re not, we will round you up like the political dissidents and unpatriotic criminals that you are and send you to GitMo, as I said before)

we

• (and by we I mean, the few staffers that I can still convince to stay on the job because really, they’ve already proven themselves loyal to the worst of abusers of government corruption and secrecy, so where are they gonna go? Who else would possibly hire them, right? Am I right or am I right? GodDAMN I like being right. Gotta savor the moments when they come. But I digress…)

we remain wholly focused on the many issues and opportunities facing this country.

• (Mainly the challenges, though, cause let's face it, there are more of those!)

I have a job to do and so do the people in this White House.

• (At least until the next phase of Fitzgerald’s investigation.)

We got a job to pull on the American people, and that’s what I’ll work hard to do.

I look forward to working with Congress to keep this economy moving forward for my richest friends.

Pretty soon I’ll be naming somebody to the Supreme Court.

• What’s that? No, that wasn’t a slip up. I’ve decided to dispense with the nomination process and just name someone directly to the bench.
• Who’s gonna stop me? The Democrats? Don’t make me laugh. Even with this fiasco handed to them on a silver platter, they can’t even pull themselves together long enough to point a gilded finger at me. Fuck them. I want the Court I want, and I want it now.
• Can't even rely on my own damn right wing to support me? I'll do it alone. Everyone knows I LOVE to be a cowboy. And if there are cameras rolling, then I'm even playing one an tv. Hehehe.

Anyway, enough of this. I’ve got a great vacation planned this weekend at Camp David. Rove’s coming up, too. We’re gonna play strip poker and then watch re-runs of Libby limping to his car from the White House and beat off. Oh, god. Good times. I can’t wait. No time for questions! Tootles.